The decades of gaslighting behind the untruth of ‘I’m fine’
These women grew up in an era when heavy bleeding wasn't taken seriously
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It happened three times in 48 hours.
I didn’t go looking for them — the conversations found me. Three different people from our bleeding disorders community, none knowing about the others, told me a similar version of the same story. They had tried to talk to their mothers about bleeding risk, and their mothers had waved it off. Their mothers didn’t argue or ask questions, they just waved the issue away, the way you’d brush off a comment about the weather.
All three of these mothers were in their 70s or 80s, and the three adult children had good reason to worry based on genetics and their mothers’ bleeding history. And all three hit the same wall: “I’m fine. I’ve always been fine. Stop worrying about me.”
When something lands in your lap three times in two days, you stop calling it coincidence and start calling it a pattern.
Why ‘I’ve always been fine’ makes sense
Here’s the thing: I don’t think these mothers are being stubborn for no reason. I think they’re being exactly who their lives taught them to be.
Women born in the 1940s and ’50s grew up in an era when heavy bleeding wasn’t taken seriously. Heavy periods were “just how the women in our family are.” Hemophilia was a man’s disease. A woman with a bleeding disorder wasn’t so much dismissed, but rather never considered in the first place.
When you spend 60 or 70 years being told your bleeding is nothing, “I’m fine” stops being denial and becomes a kind of survival skill. So, when an adult child says, “Mom, this might be a real risk for you,” they aren’t hearing new information. They’re deploying the same survival skill they’ve been practicing their entire lives.
The trouble is that the body keeps changing the terms, and “I’ve always been fine” is exactly the logic that gets dangerous late in life.
A woman who was never a “problem” can become high-risk almost overnight. A blood thinner after a heart scare, a daily aspirin, NSAIDs for arthritis, falls, dental work, joint replacements — any one of these can turn a lifetime of quiet bleeding into something serious, especially when a new doctor has no idea there’s a bleeding disorder in the picture. I know how fast that pendulum can swing, and these risks are not theoretical.
The part that isn’t about bleeding
Underneath all three of these conversations is something that has nothing to do with clotting factors. It’s the ache of trying to care for the person who cared for you — of loving someone who won’t let you protect them.
I couldn’t give those three people the words that would finally make their mothers listen. What I could offer was this: You’re not failing. You’re up against a lifetime of being told it doesn’t matter, and that’s a heavy thing to argue with in one conversation.
Maybe the work isn’t to win the argument all at once. Maybe it’s to keep gently leaving the door open to make sure the next doctor knows the family history, and to mention it again when the moment is softer.
I keep coming back to those mothers — not the stubbornness, but the long years that built it. They learned to say “I’m fine” because no one gave them another option. The least we can do now is keep offering one.
Note: Hemophilia News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always consult your physician or another qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Hemophilia News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to hemophilia.
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