I’ve been struggling with hip bleeds lately. I’m in the middle of recovering from a bleed on my right hip, which may have started because I put too much pressure on it too soon. I’m frustrated that I’ve been bedridden so often these past few months.
It’s hard not to lash out at times, but frustration is normal. People in pain experience stress. We cry. Sometimes we even need to shout to make the stress go away.
My recent injuries have been very irritating because I desperately want to return to my old lifestyle. I miss going out with my wife, Cza, and helping her with work. I want to play and roughhouse with my daughter, Cittie, while she’s young. It saddens me that I can’t prepare a decent meal for our family anymore.
It breaks my heart to see Cza exert twice as much effort so that we can thrive as a family unit. She’s been filling my role as homemaker recently. She tells me she does it out of love for her family, but it fills me with guilt. As much as I want to help her, I can’t.
I feel guilty for holding Cza back because of hemophilia. Her anxiety gets worse when I bleed. I recently made the mistake of calling Cza out for making a mess in the kitchen while playing with Cittie. I was insensitive, telling her how careless and mindless she was for not realizing that she could cause an accident if she played with Cittie in there.
She didn’t make any mistakes that night. I was a careless, selfish, inconsiderate jerk for scolding my wife simply because she was playing with our little girl. Cza isn’t home all the time, so she craves time with Cittie. She’s working twice as hard to keep our ship running, and she’s been taking care of me the past few weeks while I recover. I’m the inconsiderate dad who got mad at his wife and his kid who was only looking for opportunities to learn. Babies learn through chaos, and I need to understand that.
I may be frustrated, stressed, in pain, and a bit depressed. But those aren’t reasons for me to be unreasonable and unkind to the people who make my life better. It’s always tempting to hurt people so that I can feel better. But where’s my sense of gratitude for all the love and care my wife has given me?
Cza and our baby girl are the biggest blessings in my life. I finally have someone who can take care of me and make me happy, and I have a little bundle of joy who makes any day better with a simple smile.
Caregivers need care, too. They’re huge blessings in the lives of people with chronic illness, and they should never be taken for granted. Caregivers are unsung heroes who choose to give twice as much love to someone who needs care and affection. It’s important for us to love them back tenfold.
Note: Hemophilia News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or another qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Hemophilia News Today or its parent company, BioNews Services, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to hemophilia.