Dating with chronic illness: When should we tell potential partners?
Not everyone's the same on this issue, but here's one columnist's approach
Creating an online dating profile can be an ominous task. At least it is for me. I’m always worried about how to present myself and what I should say. How do I ensure that others will see me for who I really am — someone who’s active, fun, loving, relatively healthy, and maybe a bit quirky? (OK, very quirky!)
I’ve been on enough dating websites and apps to know that people often put their best foot forward. The idea is to impress others! We want to spark interest to see if there’s potential for a relationship.
I’ve found that some people are honest (maybe too honest) in their profiles. I’ve read about a plethora of medical issues, political beliefs, food expectations, pet loving or hating requirements, vaccine beliefs, alcohol beliefs, and even a person who stated that they wanted someone who “will look good with me at red carpet events.” There are also people who aren’t honest about their age, location, struggles, work ethics, and more.
As I navigate dating sites and apps, I often ask myself where my hemophilia fits in. When do I tell a potential partner that I have a bleeding disorder? How do I explain to them that every 48 hours I must give myself intravenous infusions of a protein I’m missing so that my blood can clot and stay healthy? And, more importantly, how do I tell them this while convincing them I’m a healthy, active person and that hemophilia is not a huge liability?
My approach: Delay, at least initially
I don’t claim to have mastered what to share when, but I hope I’m improving over time. I’ve decided not to reveal my hemophilia right away. I’ll often go out with someone a handful of times and decide whether they’re a good fit. At that point, they don’t need to know that I have hemophilia. I think it’s important for them to get to know me first. For instance, I exercise a couple of hours a day and dance a few times a week. I also walk, hike, ride a stationary bike, and meet friends online for virtual exercise programs.
When people spend time with me, it’s not immediately apparent that I have hemophilia. I keep up with, and even surpass, the physical abilities of many of those around me. That’s thanks to a proper diagnosis and preventive treatment.
Obviously, if someone does an internet search of my name, they’ll quickly discover that I have hemophilia. This column alone reveals a lot! Surprisingly, though, many people don’t do online searches of the people they’re dating. I always research the online presence of people I’m pursuing. It’s revealed both interesting and important things about them.
If I’m not discovered online, I usually choose to share that I have hemophilia after a few months. Even then, I’ll reveal it only if the relationship continues to grow. When it’s time, I’m happy to share my family history and my diagnosis. I’ll also tell them that to keep myself active and safe, I follow my prescribed treatment regimen. I’ll then answer any questions they might have about life with hemophilia.
Other folks will disagree with me and reveal their hemophilia on the first date or in their dating profile. There’s really no right or wrong answer to this choice, and people should do what feels comfortable to them. To me, it makes sense to reveal it during the getting-to-know-you phase, but I also don’t think I should wait too long. I don’t want to inadvertently create a situation where a potential partner feels I wasn’t forthcoming and honest.
The hemophilia community is large and fantastic. It’s supportive and welcoming. Potential partners can learn about an amazing family that embraces newcomers. This family will always be there for support. It’s truly a gift.
What are your opinions about sharing your hemophilia information with potential suitors? Please share in the comments below.
Note: Hemophilia News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or another qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Hemophilia News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to hemophilia.
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