Love is like a garden that needs tending to by both partners
When chronic illness is part of the picture, that care may look different
I recently stumbled across a passage on social media referring to relationships: “If you want a garden? Take care of it. You want love? Love them.”
Something about those simple words struck a chord with me. Instinctively, I forwarded it to my husband, Jared.
“This is exactly why I’ve been wanting to work on myself,” he responded. “I want to be even better for you.”
Beyond the one-sided myth
There’s a quiet assumption that often surrounds couples navigating chronic illness: that one person constantly gives while the other merely receives. The “healthy” partner does most of the heavy lifting, while the partner with medical needs often simply accepts help. But real love isn’t about one person endlessly pouring from their cup while the other drinks. It has to flow both ways — even when conditions like Jared’s severe hemophilia B and seizures complicate things.
Lately, Jared has been telling me about a “mental paradigm shift” he feels he’s going through. At 32, he’s increasingly recognizing the depth of his responsibilities as a husband and father. He’s realizing that even within his limitations, he can still use his strength, energy, and presence to protect, provide, and participate as a husband and father in the ways that matter most.
For Jared, this shift means being truly present in the day-to-day. It means offering emotional safety to our daughter, stepping in when someone tries to hurt her with words or actions, and actively being the kind of father who protects — not out of dominance, but out of care and preparedness. He’s even encouraged our daughter to take up martial arts for self-confidence and defense, and he keeps himself physically active so he can respond in an emergency if needed.
Sometimes it means pushing past his own limits, like working longer to provide more stability for our family. It also means sharing household responsibilities like folding the laundry, sweeping the floors, doing home repairs — not as a favor, but as a form of partnership and a way to model for our daughter what shared responsibility looks like.
She’s watching, and when she sees him show up in these small, consistent ways, she learns that care isn’t one-sided. A good partner notices, steps in, and shares the load, without being asked.
The reflection principle
Another line from that same social media post stuck with me: “Sometimes love returns to you like tenderness and peace. Other times, like coldness and a closed door.”
When Jared brings me coffee in the morning or lends a hand when I’m drowning in mental fatigue, it doesn’t just lighten my load. It makes me want to return that warmth, whether by extending my patience during a frustrating infusion or running errands for him when a severe bleeding episode leaves him bedbound. It’s not that we’re keeping score — it simply feels good to give when you’re also receiving.
This is what love looks like when it’s alive and breathing: It’s not perfect, but mutual.
A gentle challenge to partners with hemophilia
This might feel uncomfortable to hear, especially in a world that often (rightly) encourages compassion for those living with chronic conditions. If you have a condition like hemophilia, you’ve likely heard plenty about resting when needed, listening to your body, and honoring your limits. All of that remains true. But here’s another truth worth holding: Your condition is part of your life, not the whole of who you are. And within your own capacity, you can still show up for the people you love.
That doesn’t mean pushing yourself to the brink or hiding your pain. It means recognizing that care is not a one-way street. It means asking: How can I contribute today in a way that’s sustainable for me — and meaningful for them?
Your partner is with you not out of obligation, but because they choose to build a life with you. All they ask is to be loved in return — to be supported and seen not just as a helper, but as a person with their own needs, limits, and dreams.
Relationships are like gardens. They need care from both sides to grow. When chronic illness is part of the picture, the care may look different — but the effort still needs to be shared. Because when both people show up with love? What they grow together is more radiant than anything either could build alone.
And that’s something worth tending, every single day.
Note: Hemophilia News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or another qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Hemophilia News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to hemophilia.
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