I’m still learning how to ask for help ahead of an important surgery

I really hate asking for help. I have several theories why, but mostly, it boils down to a fear of inconveniencing others. Perhaps there are deeper causes, like needing to learn that I am worthy of accepting it and understanding that everyone deserves to have their needs met, both physically and emotionally.

While planning for an upcoming surgery, I’ve needed a lot of assistance. I’m deeply appreciative of the ways my community aids people who have medical stressors. There are so many moving parts to organize.

Plus, it’s expensive to get sick. Medical issues can be tough to navigate, even more so when finances are a factor in decision-making. I can’t tell you how many people I know who have struggled to obtain factor products for hemophilia during active bleeding incidents. Usually, this is due to struggles with insurance issues. It’s tragic when, in addition to struggling to regain their health, people bear the added burden of financial stress.

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I’ve received numerous offers of help that have significantly lifted the burden. The facility where my dogs regularly board offered me a reduced rate since both of my dogs need to stay for more than a month.

My surgery is in another state, which adds to the planning challenges and financial burden. I learned of lower-cost housing in the city where I’m having surgery. Many groups offer options to patients, and I got on tons of waiting lists. They are a godsend to people who travel far from home. Monthly expenses don’t stop when we’re ill. If we travel for care, we suddenly have to maintain two households.

I was fortunate to find a space that offers one-bedroom apartments for half the nightly cost of a hotel room. It’s a 10-minute walk from the hospital where I’ll be, which allows loved ones to have a space to land and provides me with a place to recuperate after I’m discharged. I’ll need to stay nearby for at least a month, as I can’t risk a post-surgery bleeding episode when I’m home in an isolated location.

In-person assistance has been a challenge because the surgery is happening far from my home and support systems. Many people asked if I had support, and it was embarrassing to have to repeatedly say, “I’m working on it.” Being single makes times like this even harder. A few friends and relatives kindly offered to travel to be with me. I largely thanked them and didn’t pursue the matter further. Then something occurred.

Through some crazy circumstances, my youngest daughter will be off work during my surgery. This freed her up to travel with me. Even though her work situation is stressful, she agreed to lend a hand, for which I’m grateful.

Then I began reading accounts from others who had undergone the same surgery. While some patients sailed through it, others really struggled. One patient needed three units of blood and an emergency repair due to an accidental artery nick. Another patient who needed a more extensive surgery had their life saved by a quick-acting team and a different emergency repair.

People are unpredictable. Surgery is unpredictable. I realized I didn’t feel comfortable leaving my 22-year-old daughter alone in a different state with the possibility of navigating intense and scary complications, so I reached out to a friend.

It took courage to ask, and I’m glad I did. The day I messaged her, she booked tickets to come for the surgery and stay afterward. I’m thrilled that both my daughter and I will have support. Like me, my friend has hemophilia, so she can advocate for me if anything goes wrong and I can’t speak for myself. But it took compassion and empathy for my daughter for me to reach out and make it happen.

I’m so thankful for my friend’s kindness and generosity, as well as the empathy and knowledge she’ll bring with her. She has navigated rough surgeries herself with a bleeding disorder. Lived experience brings a valuable and rich knowledge base. Most importantly, I learned a valuable lesson: People offer to help because they genuinely mean it. We need to be brave enough to welcome them in.

Note: Hemophilia News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always consult your physician or another qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Hemophilia News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to hemophilia.