The stress of long-term hospitalizations led to a moment of sanctuary
My meditations helped me endure each day, but love carried us through the years
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My youngest son was frequently hospitalized due to bleeding episodes brought on by hemophilia, and it often left me feeling trapped and stressed. I brought work projects with me, but the constant interruptions left me feeling powerless and unable to focus. My anxiety often soared.
Caeleb picked up on my uneasiness, and one day he asked, “Dad, did I do something wrong? Are you mad at me?” I quickly replied, “Oh, my boy, you have done nothing to upset me. I have several projects to finish, and I’m stressed because I can’t fall behind.”
From that moment on, I resolved to protect a little time to sit quietly, work, or meditate. The hour after the night nurse administered medications around 11 p.m. worked best because the doctors had finished their rounds and interruptions were less likely. I began to look forward to this daily “me time.” With it, my anxiety became more manageable, and I adapted more easily to the hospital staff’s demands.
Finding a way to give back
That practice helped me endure those hospital years, and its value stayed with me after life stabilized. A few years later, after Caeleb had gone several years without an internal bleeding episode, I felt like I was ready to pursue my educational goals and entered the Doctor of Ministry program at Austin Presbyterian Theological Seminary. I loved the program and enjoyed most of my classes, but that familiar anxiety resurfaced during a course on theological liturgy taught by Peter Bower, a highly respected Presbyterian theologian.
He challenged us to create a final project for people who needed a contemplative practice. Unsure of what to create or how to structure the assignment, I struggled to find a way forward, until the search for an idea led me back to my hospital experiences with Caeleb. I could create guided meditations for people whose loved ones were hospitalized. Perhaps these practices could help them pause, rest, regroup, and reclaim a small part of their lives, especially parents with children in the hospital.
For the project, I offered two weeks of brief guided meditations. Each day paired a reading with time for reflection, and participants could spend as long as they wished on each contemplation. The goal was to give people in the hospital a small measure of control over their time, free from interruptions. Ten families tried the practice, and all responded positively, affirming the value of the quiet moments I had first discovered during Caeleb’s hospitalizations.
The lesson remains with me
While those years of hospitalizations are behind us, I remember them vividly. What began as a way to reclaim a little time for myself became a practice I could share with other families. Those moments of sanctuary gave me enough peace to face each new day.
That lesson remains with me. Recently, when Caeleb and I talked about that difficult time, he said, “Dad, how did we survive that time? I have no idea how many times we went to the hospital. I only know it felt like a lifetime.”
His question brought the answer into focus: “First, your mom and I knew we needed moments to focus on ourselves without others claiming our time. Second, we learned that the best way through the hardest times was to remember our love for one another. Perhaps that is our greatest tool when life feels overwhelming.”
Caeleb looked at me and said, “I love you, Dad.”
“I love you too, son,” I replied.
In the end, those brief sanctuaries helped us endure each day, but our love for one another carried us through the years.
Note: Hemophilia News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always consult your physician or another qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Hemophilia News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to hemophilia.
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