Unpacking anger’s ‘partner’ emotions can help the healing
When anger overwhelms me, I work to understand what else I'm feeling
It can be so easy to be mad, particularly at the medical system. Even more so if you happen to be a woman with hemophilia.
As I’ve shared a number of times, women with hemophilia have struggled for years to obtain a proper diagnosis and appropriate care. Hemophilia was once thought to be a man’s disease, so women were pushed away, their bleeding denied, their injuries left untreated. The system was incredibly flawed and broken.
When a person has a true medical issue but is turned away from treatment or told it’s all in their head, this is referred to as medical gaslighting. The patient knows they have an issue, but those who are supposed to help create barriers that stand in the way of the appropriate diagnosis and medical management. This can cause an immense amount of trauma.
I once went to my local emergency room for a gastrointestinal bleed. I was told, “Your hemoglobin is 12. You are not bleeding,” and was sent home. I had photos of blood in the toilet from the emergency room the provider refused to view. This is a blatant example of gaslighting. There was a clear need for a medical assessment and intervention, but it was completely denied. When things like this occur more than once, it creates compound trauma.
I want to scream!
When I find myself continually fighting to have to prove I have a medical situation that needs attention, I start to get mad. Sometimes I actually fume with anger. Yet, I find this anger doesn’t actually help my self-advocacy or improve my chances of receiving the assistance I need.
In the moments when I am livid with the system, I remind myself of the work I did with my students when I was employed as a school counselor. I would explain to them that anger is a partner emotion. What does that mean? Anger is a partner emotion because it doesn’t hang out by itself. It holds hands with another emotion. If you doubt this, step back and think of the last few times you were angry. What other feelings was your anger holding hands with?
Discharged from the emergency room with an active bleed, my anger was holding hands with many emotions. Disappointed that I wasn’t getting the care I expected, fear started to emerge. I was bleeding and wanted to know the cause. Frustration was also in the mix as I felt this should not be happening. I also felt betrayed for not being treated in a manner I would expect from a professional.
Hanging out with that anger are sadness, because a bleed can limit my ability to engage in activities I love, and despair, because bleeds can be painful, and constant pain is exhausting. Feeling overwhelmed bubbles up, too, when I’m so tired of bleed after bleed. Sometimes I want to run and hide and hope it will all just go away.
Anger can be helpful
Anger can be a positive emotion. Sometimes it’s necessary as part of a call to action to bring about change. Anger can be a motivator, propelling us out of our comfort zones. Protection is a gift anger can bring us as the underlying partner emotion stirs. Anger can have a purpose, and sitting with it can provide me with clarity regarding a path forward.
Anger has helped me assertively ask for the diagnostic tests I needed. I was brave and chose a new medical provider when being angry over years of struggling motivated me to seek a change. While I struggled with unexplained pain, anger drove me to keep asking for help until the root cause was identified.
When anger overwhelms me, I step back and look for that partner emotion. When I identify it, I’m able to get to the root feelings. This affords me an opportunity to name and release the underlying pain faster. Naming and working through the underlying hurt is for me a huge part of getting on the path to healing.
Anger is part of our healing journey. What is your anger telling you? How is it compelling you to action? What emotions is it holding hands with?
Note: Hemophilia News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or another qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Hemophilia News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to hemophilia.
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