When caregiving for a spouse turns into emotional babysitting
Trying to shield a partner from emotional blows can quickly become taxing
Most people living with chronic illness wrestle with difficult emotions at one point or another, such as frustration, fear, guilt, or helplessness. My husband, Jared, is no exception. Living with hemophilia B — and later epilepsy as a complication from a brain bleed — means constantly negotiating what he can and can’t do, what’s safe, what’s risky, and what’s simply worth it anyway.
As his partner, I often find myself absorbing those same emotions by default. Caregivers, after all, don’t just handle logistics — we handle feelings. We manage worry, pain, and uncertainty. Sometimes we even try to preempt them before they land. That’s where emotional babysitting begins.
It’s not just about offering support; it’s about trying to anticipate and soften every emotional blow before it even happens. It feels loving in the moment, but over time, it becomes heavy.
When care becomes control
In chronic illness, some care is nonnegotiable. There’s no debate about infusions, seizure safety, or hospital visits. Those are acts of love wrapped in necessity.
But emotional babysitting — that reflex to shield, smooth, or fix every feeling — isn’t always required. It’s what happens when you take on responsibility for your partner’s emotional state as well as your own. It can sneak up in small ways: tiptoeing around frustration, staying alert for irritability, cushioning bad days with your own energy.
It’s a form of overprotection that often grows from fear — not just yours, but everyone else’s, too.
Some relatives have lived through the scariest chapters of Jared’s condition, and their anxiety is understandable. But when they can’t fully let go of control, they sometimes pass that vigilance on to me. It’s as if their nervous systems outsource the worry: You handle it now, since you’re the one closest to him.
And I do handle it. Too well, sometimes.
The achiever’s version of babysitting
I realize that emotional babysitting isn’t just about him; it’s also about me. It’s a pattern I carried into this relationship long before I knew what to call it.
I grew up believing that being “good” meant performing, anticipating the needs of others, and preventing distress — not necessarily through caretaking, but through achievement. If I could achieve enough, do enough, or be enough, maybe I could keep everyone calm, proud, or happy.
That script runs deep. And in a marriage touched by chronic illness, it finds new ways to play out. You start equating love with constant vigilance, competence with control. When your partner’s health can change in an instant, it’s hard not to feel that your effort is what keeps the world from falling apart.
But over time, the cost shows up — in burnout, resentment, and that quiet loss of self that creeps in when your worth depends on keeping everything (and everyone) stable.
Reclaiming our separate wholes
These days, I’m learning to let go — or to at least loosen my grip. Jared and I are both parents, both adults, and both allowed to have full lives. I want to have friends, hobbies, and solo trips. And I want him to have the same freedom.
When we spend time apart — refueling as individuals — we come home healthier, happier, and more present. We can love without smothering, support without controlling.
We’re still lucky. Jared still has the capacity to do many things for himself, and he’s the kind of person who maximizes what he has. I remind myself that trusting that strength is part of caring for him, too.
Love isn’t about micromanaging someone’s life or their feelings, even when illness makes it tempting. Sometimes, the best way to care is to stop babysitting the emotions of everyone else and trust that the people you love can carry their own.
As for me, one mantra I want to keep living by is this: I will always do what’s right for me and my family, even if others disapprove.
Note: Hemophilia News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or another qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Hemophilia News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to hemophilia.
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