How to deal with exhaustion that pops up unexpectedly
As a hemo wife, I can quietly accumulate responsibility without realizing it
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For a long time, I didn’t think about exhaustion or how it would occasionally surface in my marriage to someone with hemophilia.
As someone with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), I tend to function well in high-pressure situations. Urgency sharpens me. When there’s a problem to solve or a clock ticking, I can organize chaos quickly and move things forward. Stress, at least in the short term, doesn’t scare me.
That doesn’t mean I’m immune to burnout.
What I didn’t notice at first wasn’t exhaustion itself, but accumulation. The quiet way responsibility builds when not fully redistributed. I wasn’t overwhelmed in any single moment; I was adapting, adjusting, and making things work. The realization that something had shifted arrived with a sense of questioning, as I pondered whether our current system — tried and tested through crises — could sustainably hold over time.
Growth isn’t always synchronous
Jared and I married young, in our mid-20s — old enough to be intentional, young enough to not yet understand how complex and nuanced adulthood can become.
At the time, I believed I knew myself well enough to make that decision. And in many ways, I did. We were intentional. We talked. We cared deeply about making our marriage work.
Jared is emotionally intelligent in ways I deeply respect. He listens carefully, reflects, and can name feelings with honesty and nuance. Those qualities mattered to me then, and they still do. They’re part of why we’re able to keep having these conversations now.
But adulthood doesn’t unfold at the same pace for everyone. Over time, my sense of responsibility shifted: around money, long-term planning, and what it takes to sustain a shared life day after day. What once felt balanced slowly began to look uneven, not because of a single failure, but because growth can be asynchronous.
This wasn’t about one of us being right and the other being wrong. It was about realizing that good intentions don’t automatically become structures that last — not without communication, recalibration, and shared effort over time.
Care vs. caretaking
There’s a difference between caring for someone and quietly becoming their caretaker — and it’s a line many partners of chronically ill adults cross without meaning to.
Care looks like empathy, flexibility, and making room for changing needs. It’s an active, loving choice.
Caretaking appears more subtly. Responsibility settles on the person who seemingly carries it most easily. Tasks aren’t assigned; they’re assumed. Over time, that assumption becomes difficult to see — even for the people involved.
Jared does contribute to our partnership and understands what it means to do so equitably. That matters to say clearly. Effort exists. Care exists.
And still, I began to notice that I was holding more — not just tasks, but anticipation. I was often the one thinking ahead, bridging gaps, and absorbing what went unfinished. Not because anyone asked me to, but because I was able to.
Adaptability, when left unnamed, can quietly turn into expectation.
Naming the cost before resentment does
When one person consistently absorbs more of the financial, emotional, and logistical weight, resentment doesn’t appear because love is lacking. It appears because needs are unspoken, and the system isn’t designed to suit the here and now.
I don’t believe that naming limits around caretaking is abandonment. I believe it’s an invitation to talk earlier, to plan more honestly, and to build shared responsibility that doesn’t rely on one person quietly carrying everything.
Loving someone with hemophilia — or any chronic condition — shouldn’t require disappearing inside the relationship.
Care can be shared. Responsibility can be clarified. And boundaries, when named before resentment hardens, don’t weaken love.
They protect it.
Note: Hemophilia News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always consult your physician or another qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Hemophilia News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to hemophilia.
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