Letting go of the past is hard, but I look forward to my sons’ futures
Mourning what used to be in order to find joy in the present
My fear of letting go of the past stems in part from my anxiety about change. I want my sons, who both have hemophilia, to take control of their lives and be responsible as they move through the world. They leave, but what about me? I’m not going anywhere. What is my purpose in life now that my sons’ healthcare is out of my hands?
I know that continuing to manage their medical decisions clips their wings. They must fly. But I cannot help feeling a sense of loss as I change from a hands-on caretaker to a voice that speaks only when my sons ask for advice.
My young men, Julian and Caeleb, must prove they have what it takes to survive. Solving their own issues empowers them to find deep within themselves the strength to carry on. My sons must discover independence and everything that goes with it.
My sadness doesn’t come from an unhealthy place of wanting to hold them back, so I may continue to be a shelter. I hold two things up as absolute truths: On the one hand, I desire to let Julian and Caeleb live independently. On the other, I clench my fists as I struggle to let go and allow them to become men who can thrive on their own.
Now that Caeleb, my youngest, is 18 and in college, both of my sons are gone. They’ve chosen paths that make them happy and have discovered different creative outlets. Julian knew he wanted to sing for a living when he was 3 years old. His ability to match pitch impressed me from the beginning.
Caeleb, however, took many years to find his passion. He is an artist who creates beauty with his drawing pencil. He clutches a sketchbook in his arms like it’s as necessary to him as air.
Julian studied music in college, and Caeleb is now studying digital arts. To them, the meaning of life must include the possibility of creating art.
Learning to let go
But I return to my sadness. I knew this day would arrive. Why did I not prepare better and work on developing another passion?
I taught my sons how to order their medication, Hemlibra (emicizumab-KXWH), call the hemophilia treatment center, and schedule important doctor appointments. But as I look back, I realize I also showed them how to follow their dreams by continuing to reach for my goals, even while raising sons with bleeding disorders. Hopefully, they saw the strength and love that flowed through my veins, even when life got messy.
I mourn the relationship I had with Julian and Caeleb when they were younger. They needed me to pick them up when times got tough and squeeze their hand when a fear of needles raised their anxiety levels to new heights. I miss laughing with them during our dramatic pillow fights on vacation. I miss my boys, but now I get to stand beside the young men who replaced them.
Through my heartache, I’ve realized something. Men need somewhere to go when the world becomes a mean place. Julian and Caeleb know I am here to offer them a respite. They know there will never be a place in this world that can hold them in love without judgment better than I can.
My mourning turns to joy as I realize the new possibilities that await us. Like my sons, I have a few adventures to undertake, and while I find it difficult to let go, I know that goodbye is not forever. It is simply until next time. Yes, I miss what used to be, but I find excitement in exploring new paths ahead of me. So let anxiety fade away to make room for new memories and hope.
Note: Hemophilia News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or another qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Hemophilia News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to hemophilia.
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