An unsettling dream reinforced the importance of building connections
Finding your community is crucial, especially with a condition like hemophilia
“We are uncomfortable with you around and struggle to be in your presence. We find that you talk too much and are self-centered. When you hosted dinner, you made us eat in an insulting location we did not like,” the person said.
Defending myself, I said, “I am so sorry, I had no idea. Why didn’t you tell me? I am a bit non-neurotypical, and I may have missed some social cues.” Upset, I ran out of the room, but didn’t know where to go. I started to cry, but I also wanted to scream. I hate false accusations! The one thing I knew: I was totally humiliated and would not be returning.
As I passed a friend on the way out, she called, “See you Sunday morning.”
I responded, “I am so sorry, but I am never coming back.” Tears filled her eyes. I was devastated.
I woke up in a cold sweat, trying to shake off the unsettling dream. I don’t usually remember my dreams, so when I do, they tend to have a great impact and meaning. The people in this particular dream were members of a spiritual community I have the privilege of praying and socializing with every week. The occasion was a monthly dinner, something I thoroughly enjoy. But the people with whom I have the pleasure of communing would never behave like they did in my dream. In fact, they are among the most accepting, warm, welcoming, and caring individuals in our community.
This led me to ask: What did the dream mean, and what was I supposed to learn from it?
Childhood struggles to belong
Of course, it did not escape me that this dream had many themes of belonging. It is so important to find a place where I fit in and do not feel like an outsider.
Growing up with undiagnosed and untreated hemophilia meant that I was different, but I didn’t know why. I blamed myself. I was told there was nothing physically wrong with me, so I assumed the pain I experienced daily meant I was weak. There must be something inherently wrong with me, I reasoned. No one wanted me on sports teams because I ran slowly. The doctors told my parents I was lazy. Little did they know how much my soul desired to run and play!
I was a deep child. Talking about sports, boy bands, and the latest toys was boring. I wanted to talk about psychological concepts, universes beyond our own, spiritual diversity, and how to make life at home better for struggling kids. At Girl Scout camp, I would quietly sit by the campfire and listen to the adults share stories; they were more interesting than the kids! The adults often forgot I was there, and being in their presence felt safer than being around the other kids. So, yes, I am thankful to feel confident that I am truly accepted as an adult, as this sense of belonging was painfully absent in my childhood.
Yearning for acceptance
My dream also revealed a yearning for acceptance, a desire for community, and anxiety about losing it. And perhaps, most poignantly, fear that I could lose my place in a group by annoying people with the person I inherently am and cannot change. I know I’m not alone in these types of concerns, no matter how irrational.
As much as I have come to love my independence, I understand that we are made to commune with others. I am naturally an introvert and can easily become a hermit, staying in my home for days. Working from home can exacerbate this reality. I see people on Zoom every day, but not always in person. Therefore, I see the dream as a sign of growth. It showed me that I have challenged myself to step out of my comfort zone and make those critical local connections. I am fortunate to feel that I am receiving far more than I am giving.
Gratitude for community
The dream also reflected how much the people I spend time with matter to me, including spiritual collectives, dance groups, and the bleeding disorders community. I do not want to lose the fellowship and ties because the relationships enrich my life.
The webs of support we weave are critical to our survival. Being alone may initially feel safer, but loneliness and isolation are huge issues in our society today. We have empty community centers and places of worship, and companionless individuals. It takes tremendous courage to step out and build connections, but it is worth it.
While I hope this dream was a one-off, I am thankful it spoke to me and reinforced the importance of digging into our support systems. I encourage others (you know who you are) to bravely venture out and build connections, too.
Note: Hemophilia News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always consult your physician or another qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Hemophilia News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to hemophilia.
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