The caregiver in me learns when to step back — and when to step in
I stood down, until I saw my son needed a reminder to do the next right thing
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My youngest son, Caeleb, is working this summer as an office intern at St. Paul’s United Methodist Church in Las Cruces, New Mexico, where I serve as pastor. Even though I am his father, “MacDonald the Younger” does not report to me. He reports to the business manager. That boundary matters, and I try to honor it. But last week, I found myself standing on the edge of that line as I watched pain take over his left knee.
Caeleb has hemophilia, but a problem with his left knee surprised us. He always complained about his right knee and ankle, but never had problems with his other leg. We dismissed it, thinking he’d simply put more pressure on the left side to protect the right side.
Unfortunately, the pain continued, and Caeleb could not walk more than three steps without losing his balance and shrieking. His mom and I encouraged him to call the Ted R. Montoya Hemophilia Program and Treatment Center (HTC) and speak with a nurse. We wanted the medical team to know what was happening and hoped they might suggest ways to help him manage the pain. He told us he would call.
Stepping in
The next day, Caeleb still had to use a wheelchair to get to work, and standing up became difficult. When I asked if he had contacted the medical team, he said he would call after work. I reminded him that the HTC would not be open after hours and that the best time to reach out was now. I knew my toe was on the line as I kept pressing him, but watching him suffer made silence feel less like patience and more like neglect.
The caregiver in me could not stand by any longer. I asked the business manager if she would mind if I spoke with Caeleb in my office. She gave me her blessing and I asked my son to wheel himself in. I kept my voice as calm as I could, even though everything inside me wanted to move faster than the moment allowed.
“Look,” I said. “This is how we are going to handle this. Either you call the HTC, or I will.”
I braced myself for a fight that had to remain quiet. A good pastor can’t lose his cool in front of his congregants, but a worried father can’t pretend he’s not scared. Then Caeleb looked at me and said, “OK, Dad. I’ll call right now.” Relief moved through me before I had time to name it.
My son made two calls. The first was to the HTC. He spoke with a nurse who instructed him to alternate between ice and heat and to keep the leg elevated as much as possible. The second was to his orthopedist to set up a series of Euflexxa (1% sodium hyaluronate) injections to support his right knee, the goal being to provide relief on the damaged side so he wouldn’t have to put pressure on the good side.
After Caeleb made the calls, I asked him how he felt about contacting his teams. He said he was glad he did, but admitted making those calls can be difficult because his impulse is to wait it out. He thanked me for pressing him to do “the next right thing.” His words stayed with me. I reminded him that he had made the calls himself. Maybe he only needed his dad to stand close enough to help him begin.
Afterward, he returned to his desk and continued working. I smiled as I watched him go. My sons are grown men, but I will always be their father, and the caregiver in me never stops listening for the moment when love requires action.
The challenge is not to take over every fight. It’s to know when to step close enough that they still find their own courage, and then step back enough to let them use it.
Note: Hemophilia News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always consult your physician or another qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Hemophilia News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to hemophilia.
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