Despite my juggling act, I’d never make it in the circus

I can juggle many things in my life, but I do have my limits.

I have a mental image of me playing the clown, entertaining children while the spotlight is on me. As I start with one ball in the air, I feel sure and stable. Someone throws a second, then a third ball, and my technical prowess shows through. I love the attention as I display my incredible skills.

Soon, someone throws me a fourth, fifth, and then a sixth ball. I begin to panic, but try to keep smiling and juggling. “This is too much,” I tell myself. “I cannot handle any more.” I struggle until I can no longer balance everything. Suddenly, I lose control, and all the balls fall to the ground. The audience laughs as I try to gather everything up in my arms. I keep telling myself that I’m a failure.

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The many balls I juggled

I felt like a failure for the first years of my sons’ lives. When they were young, I wore many hats. I was a high school choir director, a church music director, a pastor, a husband, a father, and a college student as I pursued my Master of Divinity degree. Many times, as I traveled from Albuquerque to Denver to attend school, I felt I couldn’t manage everything required of me. I just knew that if one ball fell, the entire system would crumble.

My family depended on me to keep things together. I couldn’t give up on school because my denomination required me to earn a master’s degree from an accredited institution. Unfortunately, the closest seminary to me was in Denver. But I couldn’t attend school without holding down a job, as my family depended on my income as a pastor. No matter what, I had to keep the balls in the air. Failure was not an option.

Adding hemophilia into the mix

When my sons were diagnosed with hemophilia, part of me felt like this was the one ball I could not handle. My anxiety rang through the rafters as I tried to keep things running.

One time, while taking a summer school class, my wife, Cazandra, called to tell me that Caeleb, our youngest son, was in the hospital in Albuquerque with a horrible joint bleed in his right knee. I struggled to decide what to do. My professor, Ann Graham Brock, helped by letting me return home and Skyping me into the class to finish my work. The grace she offered to me was amazing.

Many times, my wife and I felt like a tag team, cheering each other on while offering support in times of crisis. During our sons’ early years, whenever a bleed occurred, we had quick conversations. I would say, “You take Julian (our oldest) to school, and I’ll go to the hospital and sit with Caeleb.” We looked at our schedules and often switched places to give the other relief.

The presence of hemophilia introduced new ways of communicating with Cazandra. We often found shortcuts as we navigated the murky waters of infusions, spontaneous bleeding episodes, and chronic pain resulting from long-term bleeding. We helped each other, and our relationship grew because of our shared focus on the demands of living with a bleeding disorder.

Finding an inner resolve

I soon discovered that my resolve to offer the best I could came more naturally to me than I ever expected. I learned that, sometimes, to juggle immediate needs, it’s OK to set other things aside. I could pick them up again in due time. Sometimes I put aside the struggles I faced in school to focus on my family’s immediate needs, while at other times I set aside some church issues to focus on school. I accomplished everything I needed to do, but I gave myself grace and didn’t try to tackle everything at once.

My incredible wife contributed to that inner resolve. Together, we had a vision of how our family would function in the world. We knew that the most important lesson we might give our boys was to always rely on the strength of family to carry them through difficult times. Bleeding disorders often feel overwhelming, but familial bonds provide extra hope and determination during the toughest moments.

While I wouldn’t make it in the circus, I believe that my ability to juggle multiple responsibilities challenges any performance in the three rings. I’ve learned that it’s OK to not try to juggle everything at once. Sometimes, it’s important to simply focus on what matters most. Patience and perseverance continue to help me manage life with hemophilia.

Note: Hemophilia News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or another qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Hemophilia News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to hemophilia.